


Undisclosed Desires

by pseudofoucault333



Category: Star Trek RPF
Genre: Academic Flattery, Anal Sex, Awkward Conversations, Coffee, Coffee Shops, Community: pintofest, Drawing, Fan Girl traits, First Kiss, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Guilty Pleasures, Love at First Sight, M/M, Making Out, Public Display of Affection, Secret Talent, Shameless References to Previous Movies, Sibling Advice, Wordcount: 5.000-15.000, artist!Chris, hand!porn, kinky drawings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-02
Updated: 2012-07-05
Packaged: 2017-11-09 00:51:54
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 15,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/449424
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pseudofoucault333/pseuds/pseudofoucault333
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zach doesn't know Chris is into bondage until he finds hand drawings of himself dominating Chris. Chris has drawn them.</p><p>Written for Pintofest '10</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Berkley is not just known for it's English Literature

**Author's Note:**

> written for **pintofest** but wasn't able to submit it in time D: Much love, grattitude and cookies for **gryffin_draco** who probably felt like she was going crazy with all the mistakes in it *hugs* Note about the links attached to certain words: I'm not a talented artist by any means, words are easier that way I guess, so I took to lurking Deviantart and finding awesome drawings which I could see Chris doing. The styles vary of course but they are each as awesome as the last. I'm not taking credit for any of them, so if you do click the links for a gander please leave the artist a little note of how awesome their work is. I swear it'll make their day :) Comments = love and pwp and E-cookies over the next year or so :D

**Title:** Undisclosed Desires  
 **Author:** **lovin_torture**  
 **Rating:** R -NC17  
 **Pairing:** Pinto  
 **POV:** Chris  
 **Summary:** Zach doesn't know Chris is into bondage until he finds hand drawings of himself dominating Chris. Chris has drawn them.  
 **Disclaimer:** Mr. Quinto and Mr. Pine both belong to me *evil laugh* Nah I wish....I probably couldn’t afford them...they belong only to themselves ~~andeachother~~ Plot mostly based on fiction…i.e not real….but a girl can wish <3 title © Muse

 

Most people choose to ignore the supposedly insignificant details in my education. I mean, I went to Berkeley sure – and that’s seen as impressive enough – but despite my English major, I did very well in art. I only drew specific people though, unless I was having a bad day and just needed something else to fix my mind on. In that case, I would go sit in the middle of a park and just draw whoever walks or runs past me. But those people don’t see Chris Pine the actor - they just see some random guy with a note book, a face that flashes by them as they are going about their day, and to be honest, I prefer it that way. Even fewer people in the business know about my talent for drawing. It isn’t exactly something I broadcast to the world and it doesn’t look good if I put it on my resume while auditioning for a role. But, having said that, when on set there have been the odd occasions when I find myself getting caught with my pad and pencil, drawing co-stars between takes. Outside of Berkley, my first subject was Anne on the set of the Princess Diaries sequel. Admittedly, I hadn’t asked and she had been the most beautiful girl I’d ever seen so I hadn’t been able to stop myself. She had caught me and there had been a sense of awe in her voice when she saw the progress I was making.

“Whoa, Chris is that me?” She’d asked, perching on my chair’s arm as she looked over my shoulder pulling me from my creative place.

“Er, what? Oh, yeah,” I said uncertainly, flashing a small smile as I made to close the pad when she rested a hand over it, making sure not to smudge the pencil.

“Wow. That is so beautiful. Why didn’t you tell me you could draw?” She asked, taking the pad from my slack fingers and resting it on her knee as she looked through the other drawings.

“It’s mostly a hobby,” I said with a small smile, twirling my pencil between my fingers nervously.

“This definitely looks like anything but a hobby Chris,” She smiled, finally turning back to my picture of her.

“You can have the [picture](http://fav.me/d1ymgvg) if you want,” I offered as she slid off the chair arm and brushed out the wrinkles in her dress, though she stopped in mid-gesture when I spoke.

“Really?” She asked, her smile practically glowing as she watched me finish a few details, scribble my initials and date at the bottom before ripping it carefully from the pad and offering it to her.

“Oh my god, Chris, thank you so much!” She beamed, wrapping her arms around my shoulders and pressing a kiss to my cheek once she took it from me. 

I watched then as she went to show it off to the others, my smile fading as I closed the pad and followed the Director’s voice towards my next scene. 

She still keeps it framed on her bedroom wall or so she says; I haven’t been over to her’s for a while so I take her word for it.

When I got the role of Captain Kirk I wasn’t so sure that anyone would be as supportive of the idea of me drawing them, that was, until I saw Zach on our first cast get together. I could feel my fingers practically itching to draw his perfectly chiseled features; Anne’s beauty paled in comparison. It took a lot of restraint to not do just that on the back of my script. I spent a while drawing him that first night when I got home: outlining his jaw and those hypnotic eyes on my sketch pad amongst all the other unnamed faces that graced the pages. No matter how hard I tried I never thought I did him much justice, but I couldn’t gather the guts to ask people what they thought. Every day it was the same, fixate on a certain aspect of Zach’s face while on set and draw it when I got home. In one case, I got sloppy while gathering up my things in a rush to the studio and found myself cursing in my trailer with my sketch pad.

“There you are! J.J’s having a hissy fit looking for you. You’re needed on the set,” She said, edging toward me as I quickly closed the pad and tried to hide it by shoving down the side of the couch.

“Er, ok. I’ll just get changed and then maybe you could distract J.J while I go to make up?” I called, pulling my shirt over my head as I approached the spare gold shirt I’d left hung up the day before.

“Sure. Hey, what’s this?” I heard her nails grating against the material of the couch and prayed she hadn’t found what I thought she had.

“What’s what?” I called back, pulling the shirt over my head and shimmying out of my jeans.

“I found a sketch pad down the side of the couch. Is this yours?”

I mouthed a curse and sighed as I quickly finished changing before appearing to find Zoe flicking through the pages.

“Yeah it is. Can we go quickly before J.J’s hissy fit ups a grade?” I asked, raking my fingers through my dyed hair. I heard her pause from flicking through the pages and knew she’d found the picture of Zach.

“Ok, but only if you draw me later,” She said with a grin.

I sighed but reluctantly nodded, watching her close the pad before shoving it back down the side of the couch.

The rest of the day I was paranoid that Zoe had told everyone else, and while I knew it should have been a relief that I wasn’t being mocked for being a prissy artist, I hated the thought of me drawing any of my co-stars and them hating the final product. Finally, I wasn’t needed on the set as J.J took Chris H and Jennifer through the sequence that would be the first part of the movie, and Zoe followed me to my trailer with a couple of coffees.

I practically collapsed on the couch as my aching body tried to get used to all the running around I had to do. My fitness regime was definitely going to need some reconsidering if I wanted to survive it without any aching muscles or broken bones.

After setting my coffee down, Zoe sat down on the chair opposite me and let me take a sip before reaching for my pad, sliding the pencil out the spiral binding.

“So how long have you been keeping this little hobby a secret?” Zoe asked as I began to draw the outline of her face - definitely a lot easier to do with her Uhura hairstyle being a simple ponytail.

“I studied drawing at college as spare paper contributing towards my English major but haven’t really been able to see myself doing it for a career. I mostly just do it to relax,” I shrugged, using the basic line of her chin to help place her lips perfectly.

“Hmmm. I never really thought of you as an artist,” she said, her gaze following the end of my pencil visible from behind the pad.

“Looks can be deceiving,” I said with a sly grin.

“God, don’t I know it,” she murmured, taking a sip of her coffee.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked, raising an eyebrow as I used the eraser to get rid of some stray unneeded lines around her lips.

“Nothing,” she paused then shrugged. ”I’ve just been watching the way you can’t keep your eyes of Zach. I never would have thought it was because you get some kick out of drawing people.” 

“Whoa, you caught me staring at Zach?”

“Chris, you aren’t exactly subtle. Anton noticed. John noticed. Hell, even Bruce, Eric and Karl have noticed, and you know how they don’t really pay attention if they haven’t had caffeine in their system.”

“Has Zach noticed?” I made myself ask, dread building in the pit of my stomach at her answer as I drew an almond shaped outline of her right eye.

“He hasn’t said anything; then again, he might like the attention from certain blond-haired blue-eyed co-stars. You never know,” She grinned, like she could read how I felt about the knowledge.

“Come off it. I don’t even like him that way,” I sighed drawing a guideline for Zoe’s nose in order to draw her left eye symmetrical to her right.

“I don’t say I believe you there, I mean sure Zach has a great face to draw but what was it that made you pick him and not John or Anton?” She asked raising an eyebrow which I quickly added to the drawing before darkening the lines around her eyes for eyeliner and shading in some shadows to add depth to her cheeks.

“I don’t know, seriously. I mean sure everyone on the cast is attractive in some way or another but Zach…he just kinda drew my gaze to him.”

“And I’m guessing that’s never happened to you before?”

“Not with a guy, no,” I said wistfully, tracing the outline of her nose between her eyes.

“Maybe you should think about what it _does_ mean a bit more?” She suggested, tilting her head a little and making it a bit easier for me to outline the shell of her ear before following it with the curtain of black hair either side of her face.

“Maybe, I just don’t know if I should. I mean what if I realize I do want more from him but I won’t be able to make myself say anything. It’ll be like high school over again. Not to mention, I have to work with him for the next few months,” I sighed, carefully erasing the guidelines I’d drawn before.

“True, but like I said before: Zach may want that, and yes, you will have to keep working with him. In the long term, though, if you make each other happy, then it shouldn’t matter,” she said, watching me brush the pieces of eraser on to the floor. 

I handed her the pad to let her see, picking up my cooling coffee as I let her advice sink in.

“Wow, that’s amazing. You are definitely one talented guy, Chris,” she smiled, looking from the [picture](http://fav.me/d21x6ex) to me and back again.

“Thanks. You can keep it if you want,” I assured her when she handed the pad back.

“You sure?” She asked as I tore the page from the pad and offered it to her.

“Positive. With the advice you’ve given me, I’d say we’re definitely even,” I smiled.

She gently took the paper from my fingers and pressed a kiss to my cheek as she got to her feet, holding her empty coffee cup in her other hand. I flashed her smile as she left the trailer, only letting it fade when the door closed behind her. I leaned back in my seat as I took a few more sips of the bitter coffee and tried to think about what she had said about the possibility of Zach feeling something for me. Sure I hadn’t given much thought as to why I was so drawn to Zach, but now that I thought about it the more likely it seemed that that was the reason. I bit my lip as I stared at the ceiling. Now what?

It didn’t take long for Zoe to show off my drawing to the others. By the time I appeared on the next set they were all crowded around her looking it over. I heard their whispers stopping when I walked in, though it didn’t exactly help that I was dressed in nothing but a pair of boxers, causing me to bite my lip as I sat on the edge of the bed.  
Rachel appeared next to me, green paint and all, and flashed me a smile as she brushed her red hair out of her face.

“Hey, Zoe was just showing us the picture you drew. You have some serious skills,” Rachel smiled, resting her head on my shoulder reassuringly.

“Thanks,” I said softly, hoping I didn’t get any of her paint on me before we started shooting.

“Do you think you’ll be drawing anyone else?” she asked, causing me to stiffen up a little.

“Er, maybe if other people are up for it. I hadn’t exactly thought much about it,” I said, ignoring that little voice in the back of my head that screamed liar.

“Well how about after we’ve finished shooting this scene you draw me? Without all the green paint I mean?” She grinned with a knowing wink.

“Sure,” I smiled, pressing a kiss to her lips only coming back to reality when J.J yelled something at us which, unfortunately, I couldn’t hear over the sound of our co-stars chattering. Oh crap, what have I started?

~~~~

There was an open space beside mine and Zach’s trailers where the others took to hanging out between scenes. I was sitting there listening while Rachel sat opposite me, chatting to Zoe about a hot extra she had caught staring at her in the scene with the cadet ship assignments. I managed to ignore all the murmuring and giggling as my gaze remained fixated on the pad in front of me, my pencil moving back and forth as it highlighted and enhanced some of her features, my fingers spinning it around to use the eraser on the odd occasion it was needed. I didn’t even realized I was being watched until I heard Rachel’s chattering stop. I finished off the drawing with a curl of stray hair resting across Rachel’s forehead before I made myself looked up.

The two girls began whispering between themselves as I felt the sensation of a pair of eyes burning into my back. I looked over my shoulder, and my face nearly collided with Zach’s.

“What the… Er, hi Zach,” I said, blushing a little as I finished a few minute details on Rachel’s drawing and pulled it out the pad, offering it to Rachel.

“Hey. I thought the others were pulling my leg when they told me you were skilled at drawing,” he smiled as Rachel practically squealed at my artistic abilities and showed it to Zoe.

“It’s not exactly something I broadcast if I can get away with it,” I shrugged, closing my sketch pad and letting it rest in my lap as I flexed my fingers to get rid of the cramp.

“Why not? I mean, if you’re talented, why not flaunt it?” He asked, sliding into Rachel’s vacated seat as she and Zoe disappeared for another caffeine rush.

“It isn’t exactly a life altering gift. So I can draw,big deal,” I sighed, ignoring my fingers’ urge to open the page with [Zach’s picture](http://fav.me/d238xov) on it and continue work now that I had the real thing in front of me.

“It is a big deal, and I think you should use that talent to draw me.” He smiled, using his big brown eyes to try and make me say yes.

“Fine, but no more afterwards. This is supposed to be a film set and I have lines to learn.” 

I sighed, stretching my fingers before picking up the pencil and flicking through the pages until I found a blank one. As much as I would love to give Zach the one I’d been drawing for the past few weeks it seemed more intimate, which was probably what Zoe had seen when she found it. This was going to be from a completely unbiased ‘I’m not in love with you but afraid to admit it’ kind of way. Or that was what I was hoping to go for.

Unlike with Rachel and Zoe, Zach kept still the entire time, his gaze down at his script as he tried to memorize his lines for the hearing scene before the cadets got recruited. It was rather interesting watching him mouthing the lines like he hoped it would help him remember them faster. It began to fascinate me to the point where I’d stop drawing for minutes at a time, merely sitting and staring like I had done all those times before when I first met him. I was glad he didn’t look up and catch me because one bout of blushing like a school girl with a crush is more than enough for the day.

My fingers seemed to have a mind of their own, like they were so used to drawing Zach that it came naturally with each line which was kind of freaky the more that I let it happened. It didn’t take long for me finish the picture, adding his hair and a few more details for more expression and depth before tearing [it](http://fav.me/d2d66rd) from the pad and sliding it over Zach’s script, leaving him to look it over. As much as I would love even more of Zach’s praise, because hell, my ego can do with a boost every so often, at that moment I wasn’t sure if I could take it.

I heard him calling my name behind me as I retreated to the hair department to get my dye job topped up. I flashed a smile at the stylist as I sunk into a chair and buried my face in my script. Maybe another time I’d let him tell me what he thought, when I didn’t have my heart thudding against my rib cage or Zoe’s words echoing in my ears on repeat. Oh god, I am so screwed.

~~~

I managed to make it three days without talking to Zach. Admittedly, it wasn’t easy since we had quite a few scenes together. Zoe seemed to notice the change in dynamic between us and tried to get me to open up to her about it, but it wasn’t that simple. I couldn’t even find the words to explain what I was feeling to her without sounding crazy. Even when we weren’t on the same set I was thinking about him in an overly obsessive school girl with a crush type of way and it was freaking me out so badly.

I spent hours at home drawing picture after picture after picture of him, as [Spock](http://fav.me/d209ssq), in the transition from Zach to Spock - which was fine. But soon the pictures got more and more explicit, filled with pictures of [me and Zach together](http://fav.me/d25urur): kissing, lying in bed together, doing things I hadn’t even thought of doing before. It was really getting out of hand - to the point where I was sure I needed to see a shrink or something.

It was one of those nights that I was spending drawing. At the time I was working on a picture of me tied to the bed with Zach on top of me. A knock at the door caused me to stop like a deer in the headlights and quickly push the drawings under the couch before getting to my feet to answer it. I opened the door to see Zach standing there, immediately causing my heart to jump in my throat and me to flash him a smile which he could probably see straight through.

“Okay, Chris, what’s going on?” He asked, raising an eyebrow as he closed the door behind him, crossing his arms over his chest as I weakly gestured for him to come in.

“Nothing. I’ve just been a bit tired lately and caffeine withdrawal always seems to make me act a bit weird,” I said, sitting on the couch over the cushion I’d hidden my drawings under.

“Hm. Because this isn’t the Chris Pine I would joke around with, or the Chris Pine that drew me like a pro a few days ago,” he said softly, sitting beside me and causing me to swallow at the closeness.

“Definitely caffeine withdrawal,” I assured him with a weak smile. 

“Ok. If you say so. But I have to say, I do kinda miss that other Chris,” he whispered, shifting closer towards me. 

It was like something out of a dream, and yet, I wasn’t sure whether to just play along and get what I had practically been aching for since I first set eyes on him or if I should just admit how I was feeling - without any reference to my pictures what so ever. It seemed like he could see my inner battle as his hand brushed over my jaw line before his index finger and thumb lightly caught my chin and guided my lips to his. The kiss was so gentle and perfect, everything I had associated with Zach, and I couldn’t stop myself from deepening the kiss immediately, tilting my head to let his tongue gain entrance. He pulled back after a while and our gazes met as a smile appeared on his face.

“Now, there’s that Chris I’ve been looking for,” he whispered, pressing a chaste kiss to my lips.

I bit my lip and looked down, watching his fingers lace lazily between mine like he was waiting for me to tell him what was going on. But I couldn’t. I couldn’t admit to him how much everything about him turned me on, how I wanted nothing more than for him to fuck me, hard, in a way I had never considered to be so hot before. Let alone that I had been acting so weird because I’d been drawing every fantasy that popped into my mind with me and him as the stars. He was going to think me such a freak. 

“You know, Zoe was the one who talked me into coming over here. She seemed to think there was something you had been keeping bottled up inside which was making you act so weird, and that that something was to do with me. And I can promise you there is nothing you can say or do that will make me think of you in a different light,” he whispered softly, his index finger brushing a circle on my knuckle causing a chill to run through me.

“I just…would you like to go out some time?” I finally managed to whisper, not even believing it was coming from between my lips.

His smile brightened as if it hadn’t been what he had been expecting me to say but it was definitely something he was interested in.

“Sure I would. Why don’t we go get some caffeine back in your system now, huh?” He asked gently, giving my hand a squeeze before letting it go and getting to his feet.

I nodded and managed to push my feet into my sneakers though the anticipation of being able to be with Zach in any social context seemed to be making me giddy and nervous. He wrapped his arm around my waist once I’d grabbed everything and steered me out the door, murmuring that he knew a good place.

It wasn’t a Starbucks like I’d been expecting or even LaMill where I sometimes went to draw random people while waiting for my latte. It was a quiet café hidden down the main road between our places which I had never noticed before, piano music playing over the speakers dotted around and the words _CaffŸ Paradise_ dotted around all over the place. He led me inside to a table hidden in a private booth and chatted with a waitress when she appeared, ordering for us before turning his gaze back to meet mine.

“I’ve never noticed this place before. Do you come here all the time or…?” I asked as I shrugged my coat off my shoulders.

“Not all the time. I know the owners through my brother, Joe, but it looks pretty pathetic if you come here alone don’t you think?” He asked.

“I suppose. It’s a nice place for a date though.” 

“Yeah, not the trendiest place ever but I’ve let Zoe and Hayden drag me here a few times when they get bitchy about having to go to the same places over and over again.”

I nodded and could feel my fingers itching to draw something but it was like Zach could sense it; his fingers slid between mine like before, slowly making the urge disappear.

“So you ran away before I could tell you what I thought of the drawing you did of me,” he said softly, making me blush as I looked at our intertwined fingers.

“You said at mine it looked like it was drawn by a professional,” I replied.

“And I meant it. If you’d given me the chance, I would have told you how wonderful I thought it was,” he smiled.

“Thank you,” I whispered.

“I just wish I could draw you just as well,” he said, sliding his fingers from between mine and grazing random shapes on the palm of my hand sending chills running up and down my arm.

“You don’t need to. I mean, I’d offer to try and teach you but I don’t know how much good that would do.” I smiled, managing to stop my fingers from curling around Zach’s when his finger tip brushed a certain part of my hand. 

“Yeah. Something tells me I’m not cut out to draw anyway. Some of us are meant to act, some of us are meant to quote Shakespeare at the drop of a hat, and others are meant to draw such beautiful drawings that people would pay thousands of dollars to buy them,” he said, lacing his fingers back with mine and leaning back in his seat as the waitress appeared with our coffees.

He waited until she’d disappeared and we’d both downed a mouthful of caffeinated heaven before continuing.

“…and then there are others who are talented enough to be able to do all three.” He smiled, watching me put some granulated sugar into my latte.

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I said shyly, blushing at the fact Zach was complimenting me and hating myself for it.

“I would. Seriously Chris….I don’t get why you like to hide the academic and artist side of yourself. You aren’t just an actor, and the more I get to know about you, the more I like that about you,” he said quietly, brushing our coffees to different sides of the table so they didn’t spill before grazing the burning skin of my cheeks with his finger tips.

“You do realize you’re giving me a swelled head right?” I joked, swallowing nervously as his fingers detoured to my lips causing his gaze to meet with mine and his smile to brighten as he leaned over the table and grazing his lips against mine again. It took all my restraint not to knock the table to the ground and jump into his lap. Damn, he’s good.

After sucking on my bottom lip for a while, he finally pulled back, taking another few sips from his cooling coffee, leaving me to do the same with my own.

Silence was kept at bay by the sound of the piano music around us, but I knew I should say something. I should ask Zach if he had noticed me staring at him since day one. I should ask where this was going or if this was a one off. Hell, I should ask if he wanted to do this again some time. Yet, I had a feeling he could read all the anxiety in my eyes; he licked the foam from his lips like he was trying to tear my mind from it. Oh, thank god.

“So, you had enough caffeine to cure your withdrawal?” He asked.

“I’m sure I’ll be back to the old Chris once I’ve finished this cup.” I smiled, looking into the depths of my cup for a few minutes before daring to look up again.

“Well, maybe we should fix another time and day for me to meet up with you make sure you keep taking your medicine? I don’t think I could handle being avoided on set again,” he murmured, his fingers curling over my knuckles, instinctively making my own do the same.

“Sounds like a plan to me. If it means I get to see you off set, I mean,” I said shyly, hoping he didn’t make some comment about how cute and shy I was.

“That’s definitely part of my reasoning,” he assured me, squeezing my hand as he downed the last of his coffee. “So, when would be good for you?”

“Er, how about every day before we go to the set? At the Starbucks down the street?” I asked unsurely.

“Great. I’ll be calling you if you don’t turn up though,” he grinned.

I nodded as the information that I had pretty much secured dates with Zach for the vast majority of shooting Trek began to sink in. Oh my god, what was I going to do when we finished Trek? What then?

“Look I should probably go. I have to meet my brother of our usual catch up a few blocks away. But I’ll see you at Starbucks bright and early, ok?” He said, getting to his feet and leaving me to nod.

I watched him speak a few words to the waitress in a language I was unfamiliar with as he passed her a few dollar bills. He leaned over the table to press one last lingering kiss to my lips before leaving, the sound of Paps calling Zach’s name and the clicks of cameras soon making me want to hide.

~~~~

It lasted a week before it went wrong.

I managed to make myself get up early every morning to make myself look presentable before meeting Zach at Starbucks for coffee. We always set it at an earlier than necessary time so we could chat and make out a little amongst the other patrons without being seen, then alternate who was driving us both to the set. I was always in a better mood after the dates. The urge to draw pictures of my fantasies were getting less and less now that I was pretty much living the fantasy as a reality.  
I still got persuaded to draw people on set, it was like people wanted the drawing as a memento for when filming stopped, but I’d still find myself drawing Zach from different sides - profile being my favorite, without a doubt.

Then one day, the second week into our morning dates, I was running behind after a late bedtime, and Zach had had to come over to pick me up after grabbing our coffees to go. Of course, I was rushing around so much to shower and change that I completely forgot that the night before I’d been looking at the fantasy drawings and left them out for all to see. What a stupid mistake.

Zach had come in to hurry me up, cajoling me from the lounge when I heard him stop in mid-sentence and bit my lip as I pulled my shirt over my head. I hovered in the doorway from the bedroom to the lounge, watching as Zach’s eyes skimmed over the pile of drawings, moving one after another, his eyes getting wider with each picture. Finally, I think he must have seen the one of him tying me to the bed as his lips parted in shock as he dropped the picture back to the coffee table, his hand going up to his mouth as he silently mouthed the words ‘oh fuck’ over and over again.

“Zach.”

He practically jumped a mile when I said his name, slowly edging into the room and running my fingers through my damp hair.

“Er…” 

He was speechless – a first for the Zach I knew. Every step closer I got to him, though, he’d take three steps back to make sure there was distance between us.

“Shouldn’t we be getting to the set now? J.J will skin us alive if we aren’t there for today’s briefing,” I made myself say though Zach was still so gob smacked that all he could do was shake his head silently.

“Er, look why don’t I meet you there?” he finally made himself say, though his voice was shaky in a way I didn’t like.

“What? But, what about our date?” I asked, my heart sinking into my stomach. I knew it was too good to last.

“Not today, Chris. I’ll leave your coffee with Zoe but now I’ve really got to go,” he practically stuttered, before making a run for the door and leaving me to sink down on the couch and bury my face in my hands as I heard him reverse down the driveway.  
It took me a while to calm down and breathe as I paced back and forth in the lounge. It wasn’t until Karl texted me to ask where I was that I realized I needed to go on set no matter how awkward things were going to be between us.

I made it five minutes before J.J started bitching about the people who aren’t there, and though my gaze kept turning to Zach, he kept his on J.J. I felt Zoe pushing my now cooling coffee in my fingers as she stood beside me, and I flashed her a small but pained smile which had her silently mouthing ‘What’s wrong?’ I shook my head in denial as I took a sip of coffee and tried to keep in tune with what was being said and what was being shot that day.

But once JJ had called it quits to find his second fix of caffeine that morning, I knew all bets were off and Zoe was going to find out what was going on no matter what it took. Yet I still watched everyone, including Zach, disappear to make up or costume while I found myself being led by the elbow towards my trailer by a very determined Zoe. I made several noises of protest as I nearly choked on my coffee at least twice, but she must have picked up her selective hearing from Anton and Bruce. Those two heard nothing while they were playing chess and trying not to lose to the other.

Once we were inside she let go of me, throwing herself on my couch as I wiped a couple of splashes of coffee from my face with the sleeve of my hoodie.

“So, what’s happened with you and Zach? He was acting pretty strange when he turned up this morning without you,” she asked as I downed what remained of my coffee and reluctantly sunk beside her.

“He came over to hurry me up since I missed our date this morning,” I said putting up a finger to stop her from interrupting me even as a bright smile of ‘I knew it!’ lit up her face,  
“but as I was getting ready he saw something he really wasn’t supposed to.”

“Awww, honey, I know you’re a gay virgin but its ok for a guy to gawk at someone he’s interested in,” she babbled, a slight twinge of teasing in her voice causing me to bit my lip and sigh.

“That isn’t what I meant Zoe,” I said as I tried to come up with an explanation that she would understand more clearly.

“Then what do you mean?” she asked, her smile fading as if something in her gut was telling her this wasn’t good.

“Remember how strange I was acting the end of last week? How I was always avoiding Zach and you wanted to know why?” I asked softly, knowing this was the only way to get through to her.

“Yeah, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“I’d kinda been drawing pictures….of me and Zach, together.”

Her eyes widened as she tried to come up with some way to respond.

“I was pretty freaked out because I’d never felt this way before, and then I turn all fan girly and start drawing these pictures of us all coupley. I mean they weren’t too bad to begin with but…”

“To begin with? What do you mean?”

“I mean they got slightly filthy, and kinky, the more I thought about and wanted him.”

She groaned and buried her face in her hands like she knew where this was going.

“Yeah. That was what Zach saw. My collection of filthy, kinky drawings and he understandably freaked. Now, he can’t even look at me, let alone let me explain.”

“Or maybe he thought about it too but figured you aren’t on his side of the fence so he didn’t expect it.”

I gave her a withering glare and sighed, “I’m definitely sticking to my version.”

“Do you want me to talk to him?”

“I’d really appreciate it. I don’t want him to avoid me forever. Not to mention the film is getting closer and closer to finishing. And when it is, what do I do then?”

“I promise you, he won’t keep avoiding you.”

“What makes you say that?”

“Well, I’m guessing that on every date you two were on he couldn’t keep his eyes, hands or lips off you right?”

“Yeah, so?”

“Well, Zach isn’t normally a touchy-feely kinda guy with everyone he knows. And believe me, he isn’t going to be able to keep away from your blue eyes and artist’s fingers for long. Just trust me on that.”

“Ok, I trust you. I just hope this doesn’t back fire.”

“It won’t. Have a little faith in me, Christopher Whitelaw.” She grinned, sticking her tongue out when I wrinkled my nose at her use of my full first and middle name. “Now, you go get ready for your first scene of the day, and I’ll go find a certain Mr. Romeo Quinto,” she said with a wink getting up from the couch and approaching the door.

“Thanks, Zoe.” 

She gave me a bright smile in return on her way out, leaving me to dispose of my empty cup and disappear to the costume department. I just hoped Zoe knew Zach as well as she claimed to.

~~~

The day passed in a stretch of rehearsals and filming, mostly Iowa shots and scenes of me on the bike approaching the Starfleet base. It helped keep me and Zach apart so Zoe could work her magic on him while they worked on their Spock and Uhura scenes. But, by the end of the day, the outlook was still bleak. I hadn’t managed to catch up with Zoe afterwards like I’d planned but got a text from her as I was walking to my car which seemed to scream that it wasn’t going to happen.

_‘I tried.’_

I sighed and let the phone drop on the passenger’s seat before driving home to shower, change. Skipping dinner to grab my sketch pad and drive to Santa Monica beach. I sat on the wall overlooking the beach and sketched faces of strangers as they jogged past. My heart seemed to ache to excruciating limits being without Zach’s presence; I just wanted to cry as my fingers began to draw the face I missed seeing the most, only half paying attention as the sun set over the horizon before me. Such natural beauties weren’t meant to be experienced alone, but now I had no-one to share it with. 

I spent what felt like hours at that beach, watching the [joggers](http://fav.me/d1wxgf1) and [romantic couples](http://fav.me/d6sv49) pass me like a curse, as if to remind me what I was missing out on. I don’t even remember when my fingers finally went still, but it seemed to be around the time my phone started to chime with a text alert.

I waited until I got to the car before opening it, surprised to see who the sender’s name was, let alone what he had wrote. Wow, Zoe really must have done a number on him.

_‘Sorry I acted like such an infant. I promise I’ll make it up to you. But for now, we still on for tomorrow morning?  
x’_

I swallowed out of nervousness as Zoe’s words seemed to echo in my mind about Zach not being able to stay away from me for long. 

_‘Sure we’re still on. I swear I’ll explain if you’re up for it tomorrow.  
Xox’_

I hadn’t managed to start the car before my got my reply.

_‘Good. I told you I hate being away from you so long. I don’t think I’ll be able to keep my hands off you tomorrow. ‘Till then…sweet dreams my blue-eyed prince.  
Xxxx’_

I bit my lip to restrain the smile on my face. Sure I felt relieved that Zoe’s brand of magic had worked, but at the same time, I had to wonder how he was going to make up his bad reaction to me, let alone if he should even have to. Still I managed to make my way home with a smile.

Once I arrived, I spent a long time debating what to do with those pictures. Part of me wanted to burn them and be done with it. Hell, Zach was in my life now, and I didn’t need the fantasies to tear apart what we had if he wasn’t ready. But another part seemed to think they could come in useful on those occasions when we were on different sets and I needed something to remind me of how loveable and insatiable he was as a lover. So I ended up putting them in the box where I kept my used up sketch pads and the few manuscripts I’d written while at Berkley but refused to let see the light of day and got ready for an early morning date, feeling much better than I had been before.


	2. Show me how it's done

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note about the links attached to certain words: I'm not a talented artist by any means, words are easier that way I guess, so I took to lurking Deviantart and finding awesome drawings which I could see Chris doing. The styles vary of course but they are each as awesome as the last. I'm not taking credit for any of them, so if you do click the links for a gander please leave the artist a little note of how awesome their work is. I swear it'll make their day :)

I managed to wake myself earlier than normal to shower and change my preplanned outfit at least five times before I was satisfied that it looked presentable at least until I was pried out of it and shoved into my costume on the set. I arrived at Starbucks at the usual time to see Zach sitting with our drinks on the table in the corner of the room, sipping his Chai tea with a peaceful expression on his face that told me he’d been to ridiculously early morning yoga. Yet the expression changed to bright smile as he spotted me and gestured me to come over.

I slid into my seat opposite him and took a grateful sip of my latte, flashing him a bright smile of my own as the caffeine flowed into my bloodstream and woke me up slowly but surely.

The silence between us wasn’t as noticeable with the jazz music compilation playing in the background and the chatting of early morning business people coming for their coffee before work. I could definitely feel the silence, though, without his fingers laced through mine or lips on mine it was definitely noticeable. It was like Zach had built up walls around him since he had seen the pictures and was refusing to let them crumble - even if I was in front of him - until he knew what to do. 

“Are we actually going to talk or just sit here, sipping coffee and staring at each other?” I asked softly when I couldn’t bare the silence anymore.

“Sorry. I’m just trying to come up with something to say that doesn’t make you think that I don’t care about you,” he said quietly, his gaze locked on the bottom of his empty mug, yet it seemed to feel like a kick in the stomach as what he was trying to say sunk in.

“Look you can just say it. ‘Chris your pictures freaked me out, and now I don’t want to see you anymore.’ It’s really that simple,” I said with a weak smile, my voice shaking a little at the knowledge that he could possibly want that.

“But I do want to see you a lot more. It’s not that part that I’m struggling to come up with the words for.”

“It’s just the pictures?”

He nodded silently and caused me to sigh.

“I don’t blame you. I don’t even understand why I drew them. I’ve never done it before, and I sure as hell won’t be doing it again,” I said, avoiding his gaze.

“It’s not just the pictures themselves, Chris. It’s the meaning behind the pictures. I mean sure I wanted to have sex with you. I still do. But now there is all this pressure to make sure it’s right for you. I’m just not sure if I could do those things you drew.”

“You don’t have to. The pictures aren’t important, Zach. The emotions and feelings that caused me to draw them in the first place and brought us together, those are the most important thing to me right now. But I understand if you just don’t feel comfortable doing it,” I assured him, resting my hand on his and brushing reassuring patterns between his knuckles.

He gave me a small smile as he laced our fingers back together again in that familiar pattern that calmed my restless fingers and assured me he wasn’t walking out that door without me anytime soon.

“I’m not letting you out of my life so easily, Chris. Just remember to keep those pictures out of sight when I’m over at yours.” 

“I promise you won’t see them again.”

“And to not be disappointed if what I do is not as complicated as you imagined when we finally get to the stage in our relationship. Sound fair?” He whispered, guiding our interlaced fingers up to his lips and brushing them against the back of my hand causing me to blush and feel like the most lucky person in the world. 

“Definitely sounds like a plan to me,” I replied, our gazes remaining locked while he finally guided our hands to rest back on the table between us. His thumb brushing up and down the length of my index finger teasingly.

I grazed the fingertips of my free hand over his cheek, enjoying the feel of his stubble scratching the delicate pads while his smile brightened at the sensation, reveling in the closeness between us. His eyelids slowly slid closed as I guided his lips closer to mine and let him deepen it almost automatically; I had missed the taste of him on my lips and tongue, and he wanted to make sure I was never without the sweet taste again.

Too soon, however, the star trek theme blared from Zach’s phone, bringing us back to reality. I reluctantly let him go, even as he groaned at the lack of physical contact and turned to pull out the phone buried in the jacket pocket. It left me to turn my attention back to the remainder of my coffee while Zach spoke in a hushed tone to the person on the other end of the phone, who from the sounds of it was a bit pushy - probably J.J. Soon he hung up and sighed as he turned his gaze to meet mine.

“I’m guessing we’re needed on the set?” I asked softly, putting my now empty mug down and pulling my hand from his as I started to get to my feet.

“Yeah…J.J. wants us to train and rehearse a bit more for the bridge fight which we’re apparently shooting today. Something tells me he’s either getting a bit stressed right now or someone gave him decaf coffee,” Zach said with a smile as he got to his feet. He grabbed my hand again and began to lead the way towards the door despite the looks that were on the baristas’ faces.

I wanted to ask Zach why he hadn’t let me go like he had on those other occasions when we walked out the door, but at the same time, I didn’t want him to let me go. I had never felt so complete before as I did when Zach was touching me, close to me, kissing me. And yet, I knew it was a dangerous things for the paparazzi to see and while Zach may not care about being seen holding my hand, despite several lectures he’d gotten from his publicist about not being seen with his boyfriends, I didn’t really want my parents and sister to find out about my change in sexual preference like this.

Thankfully there was no paparazzi around unless they were very sneaky and well hidden. It seemed way too early for them to be slithering out of their beds but I’m sure Zach could feel my body stiffening as his grip loosened around my fingers like he was giving me permission to let go if that was what I wanted. I flashed him a smile as I kissed his cheek - once I was sure there were no cameras around - and opened the door to the car by pressing a button on my key ring.

Zach slid into the passenger seat while I got in the driver’s side, watching as his hand rested on top of mine as soon as it moved to the gear stick. I tried to focus on making sure I didn’t run us off the road rather than the fact Zach really couldn’t stop touching me. When Zoe had mentioned it, I really hadn’t realized how true it was until that moment.

~~~

From there things between Zach and I progressed at a slow pace which never bothered me as much as you would expect. Having Zach in my life was the most important and amazing thing I had ever experienced - even better than those girls I had been with through college. Nothing felt as perfect as the knowledge that Zach would do whatever it took to make me happy. Admittedly, though, there was still a limit to what that entailed. After the pictures, Zach still wasn’t feeling comfortable enough to be with me physically. I mean, we made out sure, but my heart ached each time he would pull back when my hands made to unbutton his shirt or his fingers brushed over my crotch.

I knew it was my fault. My pictures had put all that pressure on him, to the point where he wasn’t even sure if he could do it without disappointing me though that was anything but the truth. As long as it was Zach touching my skin, Zach leaving bruises on my skin and Zach inside me making me experience things I had never known, I would have been in several levels of ecstasy beyond anything I’d ever felt before. 

It got to the point where I knew I needed to say or do something. Unfortunately, I hadn’t gotten that epiphany until we were making out on his couch after a long day of filming.

“Zach,” I murmured against his lips as his skin brushed the side of my neck.

“Hm?” he replied, though he didn’t stop what he was doing - his body moving so we were as close as possible, his fingers tips dancing patterns over the skin of my waist making me want to cry out for more. Sadly, I knew if I did that would be the breaking point for the evening.

I nipped and sucked at his lower lip, pulling a groan from his throat as his own lips followed my pattern, making me more than determined to talk to him about this.

Finally, I pulled away, resting my hands either side of his face so his gaze would meet mine.

“Chris, what’s wrong?” He asked once he got his breath back, the depths of his eyes still corrupted by arousal in an exhilarating way.

“We need to talk, Zach,” I whispered, biting my lip as I saw the arousal disappear from his pupils.

“About what?” He asked, pressing his hands over mine and sliding them down from his face so they rested intertwined in his lap.

“Are you still feeling pressured about what I want from you sexually?” I asked, brushing my thumbs soothingly over his skin as his body tensed.

“What makes you say that?” he asked, trying to push a sense of avoidance into his voice.

“You keep pulling away every time I make a move to get physically closer,” I said, tilting my head softly as he looked down.

“I know. I…I just can’t,” he said, stopping once I hushed him softly.

“You won’t disappoint me, Zach. As long as it’s your skin I’m feeling, your lips against mine and your voice I’m hearing say my name, I will be the happiest guy in the world,” I assured him, flashing him a smile as he dared to meet my gaze again.

“But I…”

“No, Zach. Just trust me on this, ok? You can do it with as much simplicity as Vanilla sex and I promise I will be just as ecstatic as if you tied me to the bed and made me bleed.” 

He nodded as I closed the gap between us to press a kiss to his lips.

“I should probably go,” I said softly, reluctantly letting go of his hands causing him to stiffen.

“Why?”

“Don’t worry. I swear I’ll still be seeing you tomorrow. I just need to go meet my sister for dinner.” I smiled, sliding off the couch and gathering my things together.

“Ok and I’ll give some more thought about it,” he said, following me to the door and pressing a kiss to my lips causing me to groan. Why had I agreed to meet Katie again?

“That’s all I ask.” 

I smiled, letting him catch my lips in another kiss as I slid my feet in my shoes before walking out the door. I could still feel Zach’s gaze on me as I got in my car and bit my lip, reversing out the drive. I just hoped I didn’t put even more pressure on Zach to sleep with me. It was bad enough him having to see those pictures, but it couldn’t possibly be normal him to not be able to touch me when he wanted to. 

I arrived at The Olive Garden to see Katie was already sat waiting for me, her gaze locked on the new Blackberry she’d gotten. The third in five months, not a good sign.

“Hey Katie,” I said, sitting opposite of her, causing her to look up and give me a smile as she stowed the phone back in her purse.

“Hey! Whoa. when was the last time I saw you, Chris? I swear last time you weren’t so blonde or so scrawny looking,” she teased, invoking a grin and eye roll from me as I picked up the menu.

“It’s only been a few months. And I don’t look that bad.”

“Well the blonde does suit you but the scrawniness…”

“I’m not scrawny! I’ve just been on a tight fitness regime, not to mention a caffeine diet,” I sighed.

“Caffeine diet? I thought you grew out of your coffee phase after the Blind Dating fiasco when Mom freaked and tried to send you to an eating disorder clinic.”

“It’s not a phase. And besides, if you don’t have caffeine on the set you get worn down a lot easier.”

“I’ll take your word for it, movie star,” she sighed reluctantly turning to look at her menu.

There was a bit of silence between us as we picked what we were getting and ordered when the waiter appeared, letting him take the menus before returning to our conversation.

“So, how’re the kids?” I asked, taking a sip of water as I watched her face brighten at the opportunity to play proud parent for a while.

She practically shoved pictures of them into my face, but seeing the pictures of my nieces and nephew made me miss them. I didn’t get the chance to play Uncle Chris as much as I’d like, what with my workaholic status in the family - something I probably inherited from Dad - and the fact that working meant I was always jetting around all over the place. Even after Trek, I was due to sign a few more contracts which meant I was probably going to be counting down the days until I had to leave L.A.

“They look so grown up.” 

I smiled, taking the pictures from her and looking them over as she babbled about how the oldest was due to start school soon and the youngest was just learning to walk now. She could probably tell how much I was missing them as she finally stopped talking and took the pictures back, leaving me to trace patterns in the condensation on my glass with my index finger until she continued.

“How about you? Aside from the health aspect, how’s it going on the Trek set?” She asked, leaning back into her chair as the waiter appeared with our drinks.

“Everything’s going great. We’re getting closer to being finished,” I said, trying to keep the smile on my face though the statement seemed to cut through me more than I’d imagined. Sure we’d have the media run and be spending time together around the world, but as soon as I got back I wouldn’t be able to see Zach every day anymore. Even when we were in the same city I’d still be doing a different film to him. God, talk about heartbreaking. Katie seemed to be able to see through my smile as she raised her eyebrow, waiting until the waiter was gone before trying to pry it out of me.

“And yet, you don’t seem happy about it being almost finished. Let me guess: you met someone?” she asked, downing a mouthful of lemonade.

I bit my lip as I looked into the depths of my beer, and she knew me well enough to know that meant yes.

“Oh my god! Well, come on, tell me about her! What’s she like?” She asked though I knew she probably wasn’t going to like my answer.

“His name’s Zach. He’s my co-star,” I whispered, hearing the sound of her coughing at something she had never expected me to say.

“A guy? But, you’ve always gone after girls,” she managed once her coughing fit had stopped, though her voice was still kind of strained.

“I know that. To begin with I didn’t even realize I wanted that kind of relationship from him. It just kinda came over me and I couldn’t stop myself,” I said softly, keeping my gaze on the plate in front of me.

“And how long have you two been together?”

“A couple of months,or thereabouts,” I said, biting my lip when I heard her sigh in relief that it wasn’t so completely serious.

“And I’m guessing the two of you haven’t?” she left the question open-ended but I knew what she meant and sighed.

“No. I’ve scared him off that part at the moment, but I really want him to,” I said, giving her a small smile even with the horror in the depths of her eyes that I was even thinking about being fucked by a guy.

“What do you mean you scared him off? Has he seen you naked and got freaked out or something?” She asked, the teasing tone in her voice a shell of its former self.

I raked my fingers through my hair as I tried to come up with a way to explain it or even to lie.

“Nothing like that. He loves the way I look. He’s told me so a few times when we’ve been making out,” I said, hoping to pry her off her train of thought. But it didn’t work.

“Then how?”

“I drew some pictures of him in compromising positions of the explicit kind.” I said slowly, not daring to meet her gaze for fear of how big her eyes would be now.

“You drew dirty pictures of him and he found them and now refuses to do it with you?”

“I think I put too much pressure on him to do in a dirty way when he’ll do it in a simple, passionate way and feel it’s not enough. But I’ve told him whatever he does I’ll love it.”

“Because you love him?” She supplied which made me pause and finally meet her gaze again.

The horror was gone and now understanding was its replacement, even a small smile on her lips that told me she just wanted me to be happy and if Zach made me happy she was glad. Though the unspoken statement was her meeting him which made me more nervous than her meeting any of my old girlfriends combined.

“I…I don’t know if I love him. We’ve not been together too long,” I said uncertainly.

“Oh please Chris. I know you. It usually takes your six months tops to find that love in a girl, and you would never let a girl string you along for that amount of time before sleeping with her. It would be a simple meet, fuck and dump. But, for Zach, you are willing to wait. So even if you don’t feel the love or acknowledge it yet, I can see it in your eyes,” she said simply, moving her glass for space as the waiter appeared with our meals.

I followed her lead, shifting my glass and giving the waiter a small smile as he set my meal down, the two of us waiting until he was gone before continuing.

“But…” I couldn’t come up with any way to deny that I loved Zach because some part of me, in the pit of my stomach, actually agreed with her. It was like I had denied it because I didn’t want to push things between us, let alone face the fact that there was definitely the possibility that after Trek Zach wouldn’t want to see me again, and all the attachment would melt into heartache and pain worse than losing any girlfriend previously.

“Like I said, Chris, I know you. You repress love because it usually ends badly for you. But if you really feel that way for him, you should make it obvious. Maybe be the one to instigate the sex if you want it so badly, and maybe he’ll understand what you mean behind it,” she shrugged, putting her napkin in her lap and cutting her chicken alfredo into pieces.

“Yeah, I see that, but Zach might think that if he turns me down, then I’ll think it means he doesn’t feel the same way. I don’t want to push him anymore than I have done,” I sighed, unrolling the napkin from my knife and fork and picking at the cheese ravioli in front of me.

“You won’t. I mean, I don’t know Zach having not met him, _yet_ , but if you make him as happy as you are then that will be all that matters to him,” she assured me.

I gave her a small smile as I turned to my meal though the doubt still nagged at the pit of my stomach.

~~~

The next morning I met Zach at Starbucks like always but he looked distracted in a way I’d never seen him before. He gave me a small smile when I sat opposite him. For a while I thought he’d just missed his Yoga class and wished he’d brought some actual caffeine, though the way his fingers were brushing over the skin of my hands I knew it was something else.

“Zach, you ok?” I asked softly, catching both his hands in mine and pulling him out his thoughts.

“Yeah. Fine. I just went to talk to Joe last night,” he sighed, his gaze immediately locked with mine in a way that made me wonder why he’d gone to see his brother. As far as I knew he and Joe had already had their monthly get together.

“About what?” I asked, tilting my head as one of my hands let go of his to down a mouthful of my coffee.

“About rough sex.”

I nearly choked on my coffee, my eyes widening as I tried to make sure I had only imagined what I’d just heard.

I put my cup down when I regained my composure and made myself look at him as I swallowed the bitter taste of my coffee. “Say that again?”

“It’s not what you think. I just…I needed to talk to someone about not feeling comfortable being intimate with you. He seemed to get what my problem was, and kinda suggested there was only one way to get around it.” 

“Do it anyway?” I guessed, and he nodded uncertainly causing me to bite my lip.

“Zach, we really don’t have to if you don’t feel ready, there is no rush.” 

“I know. I just. I hate that every time we get so close, I pull back. Because I want to - really I do Chris - and having this irrational fear is just going to hold us back if I don’t go through with it,” he said with a small smile.

“But you shouldn’t feel obligated. You should do it because you,” I couldn’t make the rest of the sentence come out because I knew it was unfair to make Zach say something if it wasn’t true, regardless of how clear my own feelings for him were.

“Because I love you?” he supplied, smiling when I nodded timidly, “Chris, I already do.”

I smiled at him and made myself say the words I should have said as soon as I sat down at the table.

“I love you too, so much.”

His smile brightened at the sound of the words and even more when I licked my lips nervously.

“Then I think we should try, because if you’re with someone you love, then how could it be wrong?” He whispered, leaning across the table and pressing his lips to mine.

“Exactly,” I smiled, resting my hand on the back of his neck to intensify it to breathless lengths.

We pulled back when breath became a necessity, and I looked down at our fingers knowing I should probably tell him about my doubts after Trek. However, I didn’t want to dampen the rush of knowing Zach loved me and was going to try and shove his fears aside for me. Still, it had to be done before I completely chickened out.

“Erm, Zach, while I was talking to Katie yesterday I kind of realized something,” I said nervously.

“And what’s that?” he asked.

“I’m really worried about what’s going to happen when Trek is finished filming and the media circus is done, when we’re going our separate ways,” I whispered, licking my lips nervously as I made myself focus on the depths of his eyes. 

“You don’t have to be,” he said, soothingly brushing his thumb over my fingers.

“But you’ll be doing Heroes again, and I’ll be flying over to other sets. I’ll barely see you, let alone touch you, or kiss you,” I murmured, feeling the tears building in the backs of my eyes at the mere thought of being without Zach for so long.

He hushed me softly, and yet, from the sad smile on his face I knew the reality was catching up with him, and he didn’t like it anymore than I did.

“Chris, I promise nothing is going to keep us apart from each other. Sure we’ll be apart physically but there’s always email, phones, and we can visit the other when we really need to."

“But it won’t be enough,” I protested.

“No, it won’t. I know that. But, when you’re in the entertainment industry compromises always have to be made in relationships,” he assured me, pressing kisses to my fingers.

I swallowed my tears and nodded reluctantly, looking down at my cold coffee.

“We should probably get to the set now. How about we talk about this more tonight, okay?” He asked softly, pressing one last kiss to each hand before getting up and leading me out to his car.

There was silence on the way there. Normally the radio was on or we were rehearsing scripts together, but this time it was like we both needed to think about how we were going to prepare for the inevitable, or maybe about how we were going to be together for the first time that night. Either way, it was slightly unnerving, and I’m sure Zach could feel the tension equally; he kept looking at me out the corner of his eye as if to make sure his thoughts were for the right reasons.

~~~

The rest of the day was exhausting as the last of the big scenes were rehearsed, including the free fall scenes which meant I was with the stunt coordinator for the vast majority - putting me through the important aspects though he had assured me that if I felt uncomfortable my stunt double could always do it instead. I wanted to say that Mike should do it, despite my need to move from one genre to another in the movie business. The only way to do that was to experience the scenes myself so I worked on it regardless. As I was getting into costume after sharing my nerves with John, however, Zach came over. He was not exactly looking happy, which wasn’t exactly anything new given his Spock persona was pretty much like that to begin with.

“Chris,” his voice had a tint of objection in it, as well as worry. I immediately knew what was on his mind and pressed a soft kiss to his cheek.

“I swear I’ll be fine, okay? If I don’t do it the way J.J wants three times in a row, Joey has said Mike will take over for me,” I assured him, rubbing his arm reassuringly.

He swallowed and bit his lip but reluctantly nodded, knowing he wouldn’t be able to talk me out of it no matter how much he tried. I flashed him one more smile and returned to the set, Zach’s gaze rested on me from the side lines as though ready to jump in if I needed him.

Needless to say the scene worked out fine and Zach’s face shifted to relief once I walked off the set, but it had been a strangely good feeling to know Zach cared about me so much that he’d been practically scared for me.

By the time I went to my trailer to change to go I half expected Zach to jump me, but he only appeared to take me home. The process was stopped abruptly, however, by him kissing me up against the closed trailer door. My hand brushed up and down his cheek as his lips parted, practically trying to suck the breath out of me. I hushed him as the kissing got increasingly frantic and knew if we didn’t get to his soon I’d end up being fucked on the floor, which while an interesting idea, wasn’t exactly where I’d picked for my first time with Zach in any context. 

“Hey, don’t you think we should be leaving?” I whispered, biting my lip teasingly and watched the glint of arousal in his eyes darken even more. It was like he wanted to say no but something was holding him back.

He swallowed a few breaths to bring him back to reality before taking a step backwards and letting me move away from the door. His arm wrapped around my waist as we walked towards his car, and I was sure I could feel some of our co-stars watching us, probably wondering what was going on. At that moment I didn’t really care, all I wanted was to be with Zach and think about what to tell them later.

There was still a bit of tension as Zach drove us to his, but it seemed more like a case of nerves than anything else, especially on Zach’s part. For me, while I was a bit nervous - it was going to be my first time with a guy - I knew that Zach wasn’t going to hurt me, which seemed to ease the worry a little.

Once we got to his place, we’d barely made it in the door before his lips were on mine. In the background, I could hear Noah trying to get our attention causing me to pull back from Zach’s intoxicatingly addictive lips and give him a teasing smile to hide my nerves.

“Feed the zoo first. I’ll be in your room waiting for you,” I said, brushing my lips against his cheek before retreating to his room. I could practically hear his frustration as he led Noah and undoubtedly Harold towards the kitchen to feed them and let them out in the garden. 

I let my bag fall off my shoulder to rest on the floor and slid my shoes off before daring to lie on the bed, taking in the simple décor that screamed of Zach to me. While it was all white, god knows how he manages to keep it that way with animals around the house, the bed was definitely the main feature. A king-sized bed on a black base against the wall with a head board that gave off a woody feel and two black dressers, one on either side of the bed with shelves above them at bed level. A big landscape painting hung over his wall, a version of nirvana or paradise for him to meditate on during those really bad days. 

The two sets of white inbuilt shelves were filled with novels and with the upper shelves with old scripts from Heroes and all the other projects he’d done, the equivalent of mementos, I guess, with the odd family photograph and plain picture which Joe must have taken and given him dotted around. The window to the left of his bed looked out over the valley, giving a good view at night without a doubt, and from the straw chair perched there, he seemed to like sitting there and using it as a place to think when he had the time.

The light wood dresser opposite of his bed was probably where he kept most of his clothes, with more hidden behind the mirrored doors of the walk in wardrobe. Candles and more pictures littered the top of the dresser as well as a few random things like the present Zoe got him for his birthday, a big picture of all the Trek Crew, and some newly brought books he hadn’t had time to put away. All in all, it was completely what I would have expected from Zach and it made me feel like I was finally home. 

He appeared above me, his legs rested either side of my hips as he leaned to one side, probably to put his glasses on the dresser. His gaze soon locked with mine as his fingers brushed over my cheeks reassuringly as his lips grazed softly against the skin of my neck, pulling a needy sound from my throat. My cheeks burned with embarrassment under the skin of his fingers when he pulled away from me, a sly grin creeping across his face as he pressed a kiss to my lips before pulling his shirt over his head teasingly and letting it drop from his fingers to fall on the floor, leaving my gaze to brush over his chest. Don’t get me wrong, I had seen Zach changing on set; we’d gotten to that point in our relationship, I guess, where unplanned nudity wasn’t much of a bother, especially in certain cases where we needed to get from making out to a scene in ten minutes flat.

I reached up one hand to brush my finger tips over the contours of his chest, grazing his collarbone and curving down in an S to graze his nipple and bring a ragged breath from between his lips as his grin widened. I was about to continue my journey when his hand curled around my index finger and he pulled it back from his skin, directing it to his mouth. His tongue softly traced around it before he began to suck it like he had been waiting for a taste from the moment he first kissed me. While my mind was getting used to the sensation of the warm moisture around my finger, I felt him push my shirt up so the bare skin of my stomach was revealed to him. I could feel him hungrily watching my body arch and writhe as his mouth continued to corrupt my finger in ways I’d never realized could be so pleasurable before. Oh god.

Before I could attempt to beg him to continue, his hand slid around my wrist and softly pulled my finger from between his lips so it rested against the shelf above my head. Instinctively my fingers curled around the edge though for what purpose, I didn’t even know. His lips brushed against my abs causing a combined moan/groan to flow from my lips as I watched the tip of his tongue follow the trail to my belly button, licking around the edge before licking inside, his fingers undoing the button of my jeans and pulling them open so they rested against my hips. His tongue then detoured to trace my hip bones like they were precious. Finally I seemed to find my voice.

“Oh god. Zach, please...”

A sly smile appeared on his face but he nodded and gestured for me to sit up. That required me putting my hand on the mattress, but he didn’t seem to mind as he guided my shirt over my head and threw it to one side. His lips descended on to my chest while his hands worked at pushing my jeans off my body as it writhed and jerked. Finally, all my clothing was gone and the denim of his jeans was grating against the bare skin of my thighs and cock while his lips continued to rain kisses over my chest and collarbone, often detouring to leave marks on my neck in places I was sure no-one would notice. 

He seemed to figure out it wasn’t a good idea to leave a mark on my face as he pressed kisses back to my lips, his fingers grazing down my hips and the sides of my legs. I was about to wrap my legs around how waist and dig the heels of my feet into the small of his back when he stopped me, reminding me silently that he still had some clothes on. I reluctantly let him up and watched him throw a condom and lube at me before stripping the jeans from his legs and approaching me.

It was then that it seemed to become more real to me, before we’d been close, sure, and we’d always kissed but there had never been any sign that we were going to get any further. And, now, there was I was ready to ask Zach if he was sure. I know it sounds insane after I had been the one pushing for this but I wanted to enjoy my first time.

He seemed to see the uncertainty in my eyes as he kissed my cheek and pulled back as though to give me the opportunity to say no before we went any further. I met his gaze from under my eyelashes and shook my head to let him know there were no objections. He smiled reassuringly and captured my mouth in a soft kiss as he guided my body on to my hands and knees, a pillow under my hips. I had no clue as to why but went with it as he sat between my spread shins.

“So I’m guessing this is your first time with a guy period?” He asked softly. I heard the click of the lube and swallowed uncertainly as I nodded.

“Ok well, let’s set a few rules first in case you want to stop.”

I bit my lip but nodded again.

“If you want me to stop at whatever time - no matter how much I’m enjoying myself because this is for you over me, Chris, I want you to understand that - just say my full name out loud and I’ll stop.” 

I nodded.

“That’s about it. If you want me to explain what I’m doing, every step, I can do that for you,” he said softly, spreading my legs wider and kneeling between them.

“Please,” I breathed.

“Okay. Remember to relax, Chris, or else this will hurt more than it needs to, trust me.” 

He pressed a kiss to the inside of my thighs causing a chill to run through me. I felt his hands brushing over my thighs softly, before they descended, brushing the outside of my entrance a few time as though to give me some idea of what to expect before he slid his index finger inside causing me to gasp and groan at the feeling of stretched muscle and his skin brushing inside me.

I tried to buck my hips to get him to go deeper, but he pressed down with his free hand to still them, hushing me when I groaned at the denial. 

My mind seemed to be melting at the amount of pleasure and sensations flowing through my body with each movement his finger made inside me. As he eased the finger out of me steadily to give me a feeling of normality I felt him practically pin his middle finger to his index before pushing the two combined together slowly inside me. The sensation feeling like a burning of muscles even worse than his index finger alone to stab my nerves and cause me to curse under my breath as my body tensed.

“Christopher,” he murmured softly, his hand stilling like he could sense my discomfort and knew I needed the time to adjust.

“It’s an unusual feeling,” I gasped, hoping my voice didn’t give away the fact I was practically aching for him to skip the first time preparations and get right down to it. But I knew Zach knew what he was doing and that this was for the best. I’d just have to stick it out. 

“Relax. I’m not going anywhere,” he hushed softly, pressing kisses to the back of my knees soothingly - a place I had never realized could be such an erogenous spot before.   
I made myself take a deep breath and tried to focus on the pleasure of finally being so close to him without clothing blocking the contact.

I felt him slowly continue edging the two fingers into me, waiting for me to tense up again, but this time I managed to hold out from making movement until his fingers were parting and stretching my inner muscles. I found myself gasping and groaning as the tip of his middle finger brushed a spot inside of me that caused my body to arch even higher off the mattress, trying to move his finger so it was in just the right place. But before I could warn him how close I was to coming - from just his fingers damn my obvious eagerness - his two fingers began to backtrack the way they’d come. Then they were being slowly and steadily joined by his ring finger, causing my muscles to practically burn in objection at the added intrusion, how this couldn’t be natural. I tipped my head back against the mattress and arched my neck at the impact of each thrust brushing against that sensitive bunch of nerves, my fingers clenching tightly around the sheets. All of this was going to be worth it, I continued to tell myself, soon those fingers would be replaced by Zach, and that was what I had wanted for so long. 

After separating all three fingers inside me to the point where my eyes were close to watering at the pain, it was a small relief when he began to slowly pull his fingers out of me.   
I took a few deep breaths as I felt his lips brush a trail over the small of my back as he wiped his fingers on something.

I wanted to turn over and pull him on top of me, for me to not have to wait any longer; I knew a whole lot more pain would be involved if I let that fantasy happen. So I waited until he rolled me on to my front, resting the pillow under my head when I grimaced at the few left over stabs of pain and met his gaze as his fingers brushed against my cheek reassuringly. His eyes were practically black with arousal and intensity, and I found my heart racing against my chest at the revelation.

His lips brushed against mine as he leaned over me, his hands on either side of my neck to help with his balance as my legs moved of their own accord around his waist, bringing us closer together, the heels of my feet digging into the small of his back. His lips softly kissed my neck as our hips brushed together causing a groan to flow like a breath from between my lips as my fingers grazed patterns on his shoulder blades.

Before I could even ask what he was doing I felt him slowly edging inside my stretched hole causing me to groan and arch my back from the mattress, my grip on his back quickly changing to nails digging deep in the skin to hold on. He stopped once every inch of him was inside me giving me the time to adjust as his hands brushed over my skin, hushing my whimpers and groans for him to carry on like he knew.

“Ok, now I’m going to take it slow to start with since it’s your first time. Just trust me, Chris. I know you want to go as fast as possible but we need to make it last, for me as well as you,” he whispered into my ear as he managed to maneuver one hand between our bodies to start stroking me.

I nodded and bit my bottom lip to hold in the protest that wanted to make it known how good that sensation felt. 

He pressed another kiss to the skin behind my earlobe before nuzzling my neck and slowly edging himself out. The pace began to quicken, each thrust inside me causing a groan, a curse and sometimes his name to come from my lips. It was everything I expected and more from him as a lover, and I knew I was definitely the luckiest guy in the world to fall for Zach. Finally I heard his breathing getting deeper and gasp getting hoarser against my neck before a shudder and groan came from him, and I felt his body loosen up just at the same time my orgasm ripped through my body, leaving me to silence it against the skin of his shoulder with a bite. 

I swallowed and made my lead like legs let go of Zach’s waist and watched as he pressed a kiss to my neck and lips before rolling on to the free side of the bed, probably to gather his composure, leaving me to think things through. It had definitely been as intense as I had expected, with all that built up passion and sexual tension between us it was bound to be, and yet I knew somewhere in the back of his mind Zach was wondering if I had been disappointed. I rolled on to my side and stared at Zach’s face to see his eyes were closed and he was taking gentle breaths to calm down his racing heart. Our legs were still intertwined even if our upper bodies weren’t and it made me smile more than anything. I closed the gap between us on the pillow and pressed a kiss to his lips that made his eyes open and smile at me. I smiled back softly, and brushed his fringe out of his eyes. I think that from one expression and gesture he knew. I was spent and happily in love with him, not the Zachary Quinto I’d made up and I’d never been happier. 

After staring at each other for a while as we both caught our breath, I slid out of bed to pull my sketch pad out my bag and crawled back over. Zach seemed to pick up my train of thought as his hand encircled mine to stop me. 

“What are you doing?” He murmured, watching me from between half lidded eyes.

“Just doodling,” I lied, my free hand sketching the outline of our faces so I could position us correctly on the paper. 

A grin appeared on his face as he pulled my hand to my lips, causing me to drop my pencil.

“You are such a liar,” he grinned slyly, pulling me on top of him and resting his hands on my hips to keep me close.

“What can I say? When I’m given such a beautiful sight, I feel the need to capture it on paper.” I smirked, pressing a kiss to the bruising skin over his jugular.

“Oh come on. Why do you need to draw me again? Don’t you have enough pictures of me?” He pouted.

“Why not? Besides it’s not just you. I’ll show you when I’m done, so just go back to sleep Zach. I’ll show you in the morning.” I smiled, catching his lips in a kiss that seemed to coax him to let my hand go.

I smiled to myself as I slid off him, pulling the pencil and pad back towards me and letting my gaze rest over Zach’s sleeping form as he cuddled up to me. It only seemed to make me all the more determined to do this.

It got a little awkward towards the end as I had to try and finish it in the dark but somehow with my experience and supposed talent I managed it. I tore the paper off and rested the sketch against his alarm clock before closing the pad and pushing my pencil down the binding before letting it drop softly to the floor. I then curled up to Zach, smiling in the dark as his arm rested over my waist.

~~~

A few hours later Zach’s alarm buzzed on the dresser and I heard Zach groan in annoyance as he moved to turn it off though his body stopped when he remembered I was there. He pressed a kiss to my forehead and carefully moved his arm from my waist to turn it off. I heard a crinkle of fingers clutching around paper which made me open my eyes and watch him look over my drawing with a soft smile on his face.

“Hey,” I whispered, stretching my body from its awkward position and leaning more comfortably against his chest.

“Hey, I’m loving the picture,” he whispered as he pressed a kiss to the crown of my head.

“Um, good. As long as my biggest fan loves it, that’s all that matters.” I grinned, grabbing him by the back of the neck and guiding his lips to mine.

“Hope you don’t draw pictures that well for all your fans,” he murmured against my lips.

“No. You’re the only one and it’s going to stay that way. Promise,” I assured him, brushing his hair out of his eyes.

“Damn right,” he whispered, letting the drawing slip from his fingers to rest on the floor. He rolled us over so I was below him with his fingers brushing against my skin, our lips collided hungrily over and over. 

No picture could ever do this sight justice, of that I was certain.

_Fin._


End file.
